what happens when you actually start being yourself

on living authenticity and trusting the right people will find you

i talk a lot about living authentically. but lately i’ve been that as much as i do that behind closed doors… i’m not sure i fully do that out in the world.

for the last decade of my life, i’ve found myself hibernating in the comfort of my own presence. and i think a big part of that is because the feeling of being misunderstood has always felt worse than being alone.

being alone means i get to be with the one person who actually knows and understands me. the one who sees me clearly… myself.

but the truth is that as much comfort as i’ve found in this journey of awakening to myself, to consciousness, to life, it’s also been one of the loneliest chapters of my life.

this decade has been the era of some extremely fucking deep healing.

healing my body, healing my heart, and healing the grief of a version of life that will never look the same again.

because once you see certain things about yourself and the world, you can’t really unsee them. and that kind of awakening comes with a lot of letting go.

letting go of old identities, old beliefs, old ways of understanding reality, old versions of yourself that made sense at the level of consciousness you were at then. but something else has been happening inside of me for a long time now. there’s been this quiet internal conflict between two parts of myself.

one part of me deeply wants to share.

it wants to talk about the real shit i’m going through. the things i’m thinking about when i’m up in the middle of the night or guttural crying during a therapy sesh. the questions i’m constantly asking about life, consciousness, purpose, healing and what it truly means to be a human here.

that part of me wants to create something bigger than just my own inner world because it knows that life is full of so much depth and meaning.

it wants connection, community and people who actually get it.

but then there’s another part of me that wants the exact opposite.

the part that wants to stay safe. the part that loves the privacy of my own inner world. my quiet little life where no one is watching and nothing feels exposed or misunderstood.

that part of me honestly feels really comfortable staying hidden. and most of the time, i choose to listen that version of myself. because it feels safer.

but lately i’ve been realizing something.

if what i truly want is a beautiful community of people who resonate with the way i see and experience life, then i might actually have to let people see my inner world.

the real one. not the “this sounds good online” version, but the honest one.

the messy ass thoughts. the existential questions. the moments where i feel like i’m finally figuring shit out only to immediately feel completely lost and spiraling out.

because maybe the only way the people who are meant to find me can actually find me is if i’m willing to let more of myself be seen.

and that’s actually what i hope i have enough courage to let this space become.

not a place where i show up as a teacher or guru. not someone curating the “right” things to say, but just me as i am.

a human being (or hybrid iykyk) trying to figure out life in real time.

sharing the raw thoughts, the confusing parts, the moments where i feel like a complete alien here. because that’s the real me.

and the truth is:

i don’t really know how to write. i don’t always know what to say. i don’t always feel like sharing. and i definitely don’t know what the fuck i’m doing more than half the time.

but i do know that i’m deeply committed to being a soul having a human experience here. i’m committed to being on “the path” whether i like it or not. and i’m committed to continue showing up and evolving even when it’s the last thing i wanna do.

because i want to build a life that actually feels like mine, full of people and things that make my soul feel at home.

so if you’ve been here for a while watching all the different evolutions of how i’ve shown up,

seriously, thank you.

because this next era is probably the realest version of me you’ll ever see. not the version trying to say the right thing, just me letting go of the last remaining fucks i have to give about trying to be anything other than who i actually am.

and honestly, i feel excited about it. because my hope is that by sharing my real thoughts, perspectives, and experiences the people who are meant to resonate will. the people who aren’t will drift away. and the people who are meant to find this little corner of the internet… will.

if you’re someone who’s always felt a little different, welcome.

so here’s to slowly stepping out of my hibernation era (although let’s be real… i’ll probably always be an introverted hermit at heart.)

but this time, i’m bringing you guys with me.

and i have a feeling the people who are meant to be here will find their way into this little community.

hugs always,
nat